I used to feed my family under the mistaken belief that bringing vegetables to the table meant good healthy eating, even thought I had committed their nutrient souls to death-by-drowning, boiled away in a ton of water, a glob of bacon fat, and salt. (Yum-----good ole' down home cooking!) In my book meat was meat. What did it matter that I had choked it in white flour glue and fried the life out of it?
But, Amen and Hallelujah, I am a reformed cook. I have seen the light. My consciousness has been raised, and now my vegetables are organic, steamed or oven roasted with a light spray (notice I said SPRAY) of first pressed, extra virgin olive oil, and just the right sprinkling of fresh herbs.
I am a certified member of the hip generation, standing in breathless awe before the ever-healthy, ever-popular skinless, boneless chicken breast. Ahhh, the savory blend of brown and wild rice. Mmmm, the merry music of my whirring blender, as together we churn out yogurt sauces and tofu dressings. My cupboards runneth over----- filled to the brim with mandarin oranges, black, green, and brown olives, mushroom, sun-dried tomatoes, artichoke hearts, shelled nuts, green chilies, and roasted peppers -- all bought in surplus at rock-bottom sale prices, their sole purpose to gourmet-up an otherwise plain, humble, (albeit healthy!) dish for the table.
But, once in a while, chaotic craziness sets in. I glance at the clock, and realize I have no time to cook and there will are people coming over-- people who expect to be fed-- people who suffer from fast food burnout..
My schedule is so tight it squeeks, and my "what do I do now?" brain begins to switch gears to "Full Steam Ahead Speed Shopping, zoom out to the nearest deli, one of those selling whole roasted turkeys, and thus the "Quick-Fix" operation begins to get under way. Now, if you think you can just put a whole turkey on a platter the at table, you will be fooling no one. You'll find out when someone casually remarks, "Oh, you got THIS from Smart Mart -- have you tried the ones from Piggly Wiggly? They're awesome!" So the first rule is to yank all the meat off the bones and throw away most of the skin. You are now ready for your creativity to burst forth unbridled in ways that may astound you. I'm coming out of my pantry closet to share a couple of my own do-able brainstorms with you.
Preheat your oven and prepare your favorite instant stuffing as is, or spruce it up with chopped onions, celery, drained mandarin oranges, pecans, walnuts, mushrooms or broken water chestnuts, whatever is quick and handy. Plunk it all into your favorite casserole dish, heap on the torn up turkey, top it with a jar of gravy and slap on some tinfoil. There you have it! While it is heating, fill a pretty dish with cranberry sauce, or sliced peaches, shove it into the freezer for a quick chill, grabbing it out about the same time your fabulous creation is coming out of the oven, about 30 minutes or so.
While you are a'heatin and a'chillin, turn up the music, strip that bakery pie out of its carton and toss the box into your empty washing machine to hide the evidence. Fish out a salad bowl, and shake those luscious mixed greens free of their plastic bag. Dig out of your fridge anything that looks like it could go in a salad without too much chopping, and if you come up empty, don't worry, whole black olives work wonders. And with three whacks of a knife, you have enough slices of red onion to seperate into gourmet-style rings for strewing and decoration. You'll never go wrong adding grapes or drained mandarin to an onion and olive salad!
I'm a southern gal, so I love my barbecue! The next quick-fix idea will do for a buffet or backyard. Dump all of your torn-up turkey (one or two, depending on how many you have to feed) into a large baking pan. Draw a big letter "S" down the middle with BBQ sauce. If you like it hot, sprinkle a few dots of "Tobasco" around the pan and, with the back of a spoon, smear sauce all over your turkey. Heat and serve in the same pan, with burger buns on the side for unbeatable BBQ sandwiches! Deli cole slaw gets sassy with pineapple chunks. Deli potato salad becomes gourmet by adding fresh minced onions, olive bits and topped with sliced boiled egg and/or capers. One nervy friend chops jalepenos into hers.
I pride myself on my "Full Steam Ahead Speed Shopping" and often break my own record, which I did last Tuesday in "Smart Mart". I returned Friday to do some regular shopping, only to be greeted by a shrimp of a manager who must have spent every waking moment crouching in wait for me, because he was loaded for bear and ready to lower the boom.
"Mrs. Candelaria, do you remember shopping here on Tuesday?""Oh yes," I answered. "I came in here to pick up a turkey and some----"Pick up?" You did not PICK UP! You grabbed that hot turkey and slam-dunked it into your cart." He spit out the words through clenched teeth.
"Well, I didn't bruise it anything.""No?" The vein in his neck was doing a funny little dance."But you certainly could have bruised those ladies on aisle 3 when you crashed through their shopping carts in your wild reckless hit and run. You almost scared an old couple to death when you leaped and Karate-chopped a box of stuffing of the top shelf.
""You'll have to admit," I held my ground, "it's free-fall tumbling aced its way into my basket, and I didn't even have to slow down."He was unimpressed."Do you want us to slap a bumper sticker on your rear that says 'Warning--I brake for pre-cooked, table-ready packaged and/or frozen foods'?" he asked."Oh, lighten up. That's only when it's a time-is-of-the- essence emergency." I argued."Our camera caught you dashing through "Produce" and actually snatching a bag of salad fixings out of a woman's hand."Well, she was standing there gabbing with her friend, and I had a real emergency.
"Is that why you yelled 'Eat my dust'? Do you know how long my guys spent scrubbing up the burnt rubber skid marks on aisle 7?""I was double parked!" "That was YOUR car? "Was it a blue sedan with the motor still running and the driver's side door open?"That's when he threw up his hands, and shudders rippled from the tips of his fingers clear down to his ankles. His eyes seemed to spin around in different directions.
The only other person I had seen do that was my husband, may he rest in peace.Well he had certainly sucked the joy out of shopping that day. In fact, I was bound and determined to never get cornered again.
If you are grocery shopping and an unexpected blast of air blurs past, causing you to look up and ask, "Who was that masked woman," you may spot a female in a Zorro mask and hat, peddling her cart with one foot like a scooter, and a WATCH OUT FOR FALLING SHELF ITEMS sticker on her rear. Well...errr, ah...hmmm, it won't be ME. Oh no! I admire her greatly, but don't call out my name, because I won't have time to answer!
